Internet Dating

The ART of Internet Dating

What is wrong with me? Three years on Internet dating and still no match! Am I too picky? Are all men just…I won’t go there…OK…I’m well educated, intelligent, still put together fairly well for my age…can’t date my clients, don’t go to bars, singles scenes are contrived….I turn to Internet Dating. What’s the problem?

There are more online services than grains of sand at the beach! The list goes on…There is matchmaker.com for the generic search, the special interests like greensingles.com for the environmentalists, veggiedate.com for the Vegetarians, Starmatch.com for the astrology matches….What the heck…I’ll do them all….

The next step is the profiles. The most important part is the user name…men get creative here. Now, would you respond to “Potatohead, Fairytale, Mightylong”? Where do these guys pick up their dating skills? What sort of signal does this give? I think I’ll try a metaphysical, mysterious one for someone to think about…IAMME…So why are they coming back with Larramie, Lamme….are these boys able to read? You know they get it when you get a return reply that says IAMME2 or URU…yes, one who has a brain!

Enough…on to the questionnaire. Some are one or two paragraphs with minimal multiple choice…others are thesis questions with pages of multiple choice…Just learn to cut and paste on line in between the various sites! Whew! That took hours!!!!! Answering the essays and multiple choice questions is voluntary but if your really serious, well, you give it to them all! Like ‘if you don’t want an intelligent, independent woman…don’t answer…And do they read the blasted thing that took such long, ardurous, thought provoking hours to complete? NOOOOOO. They pretend like your responses came from some other planet…duhhh!

Now, for the one FREE week of sifting through search engines for this category, attribute or matching feature. This REALLY an art form….The basic search, the advanced search…this is getting more technical…I feel like I am back in college! Do I REALLY want  a date this badly? OK…advanced search…I hope this computer program can digest the requirements….how about- non-smoker, college plus educated, not more than 100 miles from home, holds a job (this weeds out the bums who are looking for a woman to support them…believe it! They’re on line!) That should do it! Now search……

God, there are so many to choose from….how can I tell which one to…wait a minute…I’ve got New Mail….someone found me first…this is cool! A word to the wise, if the message begins’ I’m sorry if I offend you” or “I’m sorry if I embarrass you” you will most likely be offended or embarrassed so delete before you read. “I saw you on line and checked out your profile. Boy you’re…..”

Now here’s where things get really creative….you cannot imagine what is of interest to them…some pick out one word that jumps off the twelve page summary….others read more carefully…some are just struck by pictures….You can read’ You’re eyes are so sparkling” Now how can you possibly see eyes sparkling on a flat screen?  This one is my favorite…”you’re words flow so smoothly”. For gosh sakes, I’m a writer. I better have smooth flowing lines!

There is an art to determining what to do next after contact. The BEST method is to wait until after a few email correspondence on the website before going further. You can determine who has a bad temper, how many times they have been married, how many kids you’ll have to support and/or caretake, the little things. But women and men think differently. Generally, the second email, sometimes the third asks for your personal email address. NOW they get to know your real name (if you are dumb enough to have it come up on your return responses) where they can check out your telephone and/or address. So prior to dating online, be sure to determine what your incoming user name states. Also, they can look up your email address in the ‘yellow pages’ on line searches. Be careful or someone you didn’t expect might end up at your doorstep! Most likely, after the second email they will be telling you that it is a pain to come onto the matchmaker website so they give you THEIR personal email address and most likely their home phone, business phone, and cell phone. THESE are the DESPERATE ones! Forget them! They’ll give you every excuse in the world why should call and/or write. Remember, caller ID can give away your name too! If they keep talking about their ex-wives in the email…they’re emotionally unavailable…if they do not have their own computer, they’re looking for a sugarmommy….AND do not EVER give them your cell phone unless you’ve been dating at least six months! I had one guy from Canada call me six times a day just to chat!

READ Carefully. If he fills the slot that says “only looking for penpals or casual sex or friendship” that’s EXACTLY what he means. You’re aren’t going to change his mind! Read everything several times before you respond!

PICTURES ARE NOT WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS ON THE INTERNET. They have been brushed, scanned, recolored….Let me give you one example. The owner of one of the websites emailed me. Turns out I knew his name because his grandfather had won the Noble Prize in medicine (he was the IVth). I’m thinking, wow this is a catch, right? He sends me pictures of his children (his wife died in childbirth) ages 3,4,5 and 18,19,20, his horse (with him riding on top and look quite the body builder) the maid and nanny. He called continuously speaking for hours at a time, wrote poetry that brought tears to the eyes…and made me feel like a princess. To make a long story short, when we met he was 150 pounds overweight and lied about so much….and here I was in Canada!

Then there was the member of British Parliament, the VP of Nike, physicians, attorneys, gold metal winners….you just would not believe who is online dating!!!!! I think I have heard just about every occupation imaginable!

I am now getting about 50 emails a day from being on so many sights, it takes hours just to read them all not to mention answering them…what a nightmare! My gosh, is it worth it? I feel like I am shopping for shoes…trying to find something that fits! One guy told me internet dating was like trying out a new vehicle….

If his picture is not on line…there’s a reason….even is he found that one BEST shot…ask for another because form a different perspective, angle, you get a different view…like the double chin or the bulging stomach. AND be sure to ask if the photos are recent. READ the profile…if he says he’s 5’4” and weighs 200 pounds, the picture better match.

Dating online is like trying out a used car…Remember, the baggage he carries should be able to fit under the seat and leaves plenty of legroom. We all want the perfect model: one with low mileage, a good chassis (body), a great engine (heart) and a smooth ride! So feel free to ‘kick in the tires’. “take a test drive” and be sure to look under the hood (the head). If you like what you see, if you make his engine rev, you can both drive off into the sunset!